Immortal Slothfulness - A Short Story [#26]

Nothing to say here, just another fun story.

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            "Have you even left the house tonight?" I asked my roommate as I placed her drink on the table. She was more interested in the drama show on the television than my question, "at least answer me."

            "I'll go out tomorrow," she brushed me off and reached for her drink.

            "You've said that for the past eight nights," I snapped.

            "Whatever," she ignored me and sipped her drink. "Gross is this tomato juice," she spat out her drink.

            "We ran out of your special wine last night," I informed her, "no I'm not buying you more if you want some get it yourself."

            "I wasn't going to ask that," she got defensive.

            "Yes, you were," I glared.

            "No I wasn't..." she mumbled sheepishly.

            "Come on the night is still young," I encouraged her, "you can make it to the store and back before your shows over."

            "Nah," she waved her hand dismissively, "I'll just stick to the tomato juice for now."

            "Are you serious?" I asked my roommate.

            In turn, she gave me a, "why are you still talking, stop bothering me," look.

            "I wouldn't be on your case if you didn't refuse to go out during the day," I told her.

            "You know I can't go out in sunlight," my roommate made a faux horrified expression. "Think of what would happen to my poor skin."

            "Yeah, yeah," I shook my head, "and your garlic allergy, and your silver allergy. Your sensitivity to 90% of all water, and how the sight of churches makes you faint."

            "Well when you put it that way I sound like a real picky jerk," she commented, "stop that."

            "Ugh, you're impossible, fine watch your stupid show," I gave up and went to the kitchen.

            "It's not stupid," she stood up in shock, offended I dared to mock her favorite show. "It's the highest rated drama this season, it's won like eight awards and has fans all around the-"

            "Yeah sure," I walked out of earshot of her rant. I'd give her a harder time, but she did pay for our apartment with her monumental savings. Plus, I don't need one of her, "I'm the breadwinner here," fits. Not that she's worked a day in the past century. Just another day when your roommate is a lazy vampire I guess.

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What a twist! And thus completes my accidental trilogy of stories centered around mundane complaints (first bad fast food restaurants, then online dating, now finally lazy roommates). It would have been perfect if "Bad Seafood" had a fantasy twist as well, but live and learn.
As for the story itself, this was another silly story that popped into my mind one day and basically wrote itself. The idea of a vampire roommate who's just a lazy couch potato was too perfect to pass up. Maybe I'll extend this concept another day.
Until then, Read, Comment and Enjoy.

A Legendary Date - A Short Story [#25]

Here's a short, but sweet, story to start off the week.

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            "Was that an old picture on your profile?" I asked my date over the background noise of the restaurant.

            "Oh yeah," they confirmed, "it's from about 200 years ago."

            "So, um..." I struggled to find the right words, "Gaia, The Earthsinger..."

            "Just call me Gaia," they responded, "It's embarrassing to hear my full name."

            "Right, Gaia," I nodded, "How long have you been in your...trade."

            "Well, I was forged about 1,000 years ago by Elven blacksmiths to be the world's finest rapier and slay all evils," my date explained. "I retired from the saving the world thing a century ago, now I'm just looking for a good time." The crimson tinged blade glinted as she described her origin. The blood-red leather wrapped around her hilt contracted and relaxed with each word. Yet, the voice seemed to emanate from the silver embroidered hand guard. It was marked with an ancient, elvish crest.

            "Tea for the sir and...madam?" The waiter came by with a silver tray of hot drinks.

            "Yes please," Gaia answered. The waiter poured us both a small cup of black tea before he sprinted away.

            "Are you going to drink that?" I asked softly.

            "No, I just like the smell," they chirped.

            "I see," I sighed. This is what I get for not reading her profile thoroughly. I thought the profile picture meant it was some girl really into swords, not that they actually were a sword. "Um, what's it like being a magical sword?" I made small talk.

            "Oh it's so fun," Gaia became elated. "I got to stab so many orcs and monsters, and when I was thrust into the ground I caused earthquakes. Oh, but I can't do that anymore, might cause property damage and stuff."

            "Okay..." I sweated, this'll be a long night.

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Online dates am I right? Just kidding, this was a silly idea that came to mind sometime last week. No I don't know how a sword managed to set up an online dating profile, let's just assume she had help.
Regardless, I'm still working on those sweeping alterations to the blog. I don't want to give it a set date, because then I'll discover a way to fail to meet it. It'll be soon though.
Until then Read, Comment and Enjoy.

Bad Seafood - A Short Story [#24]

Inspiration: Stories about bad restaurents

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            I always hated the fast food place right outside of town. You know the one that overlooks the river, across from the old inn? They branded themselves as, "authentic hometown seafood," but that couldn't be further from the truth. It's all overpriced garbage with fancy, marketable names. Seriously, I could eat at any burger joint in town twice for the same price as one of their meals.

            I haven't mentioned the horrible layout. Imagine any fast food restaurant you've been to, think about the layout and how convenient it is. Now think the opposite and add a layer of mismanagement and confusion. The path to the front counter from the door is through a maze of tables. The condiments and napkins are shoved to one end of the building, while the soda fountains are on the other. The bathrooms are tucked away in a corner hallway, and the only signs for the bathrooms are in said hallway. Completely out of sight unless you know exactly where to look. I've also never found the trashcans in that place. Apparently, no one else has either, because everyone always leaves their trash behind.

            Then there's the smell, oh lord the smell. Think about the cheapest and ripest fish you've ever smelled. Now imagine the smell in every corner of a building. Even the "freshest" meal you can purchase in that place smells funky when you eat it. Don't forget that people never throw out their food. So, a sort of permanent funk permeates the air from all the nasty seafood left to ripen in the sunlight for about an hour or more. Until an employee finally finds the time to clean it up.

            I've narrowed down everyone who works there into three categories. The clueless, the apathetic, and the aggressively apathetic. The first group is all the people who just started working there. They work random jobs that they were likely never trained in, and look like deer in headlights half the time. There's always at least two people like this in the restaurant. Apparently, they have a high turnover rate. Then there's the apathetic. They've worked there for too long, and can't even generate the semblance of a work ethic. They generally don't care about any of the problems the restaurant deals with, but at least they don't make things worse.

            Finally, there's the aggressively apathetic. They do think something should be done about the restaurant's problems. As long as someone else does it. If you have a complaint, they'll scream in your face. If you have a problem, they'll scream in your face. If you have a question, they'll scream in your face. There are at least three of these people in the place, not counting the managers, who are all like this.

            The worst part is people flock to that place like mad. It's always packed inside and in the drive-through, with a line of cars wrapped around the building. Everyone I've talked to the past few months has always complained about them too. Whether it was the service, the wait, the food, or the other customers.

            I know, I know, I'm generalizing, but I haven't even mentioned the big one yet. A rumor made rounds recently that they make one of their fish sandwiches with cow eyeballs. It's the big, fancy and expensive one on their menu, the one they never stop advertising. I don't know where the rumor started, but it's all over the place right now. The fast food place hasn't said anything yet. I say it's only a matter of time before some smart aleck pesters them about until they're forced to respond.

            I can't tell you enough how much I hate that place, but there's one thing that pours salt into the wound. Despite all the problems, all the issues, I know exactly why they're still in business. They're the only place in town open most of the time. Everything else is a mom and pop restaurant that opens at twelve and closes at three. There are no plans for any other place to open in the near future. It's horrible, it stinks, it's the worst place ever, but it's the only show in town.

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We've all known that one fast food place in town that nobody likes, yet it's always packed. At least, we've known some bad fast food place that always gets your order wrong, or takes forever to bring out food, or is full of screaming and destructive children. But sometimes, you just want your chicken nuggets...

Anyway, random stories like this will become a bit of a rarity in the near future. I'll still do funny and silly bits of fiction, but I they'll be their own thing. In the meantime, expect more fantasy, sci-fi and maybe even horror stories.
Until then, Read, Comment and Enjoy.

Short Story Double Bill - Hero Insurance & Death's Off Day [#22 & #23]

Time for another double bill, two stories about 100~200 words in length.

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Hero Insurance

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            "I'm sorry Mr. umm...Trogdar the Vanquisher," the suited man said as he looked over his glasses, "but we have to increase your rate."

            "You can't be serious," the armored man slammed the desk, "I've paid on time every month and I haven't made a claim in ages."

            "Regardless last week's dragon attack sets a bad precedent," the suited man explained. "If you're in one dragon attack, you're at risk for another."

            "What nonsense," Trogdar complained, "I can't believe you'd do this to me, despite all I've done."

            "I didn't make the decision Mr. Vanquisher," the suited man assured him, "I'm just passing the news along to you. Why don't we talk about where you can go from here?" Trogdar grumbled, but accepted the man's offer.

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 Death's Off Day

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            "Aaron A. Aronson," the cloaked figure proclaimed. "I've come to reap your mortal soul, or something whatever," the cloak figure slumped.

            "What?" Aaron Aronson stumbled.

            "Listen man, I'm not really feeling it today," the reaper explained. "So, if you're going to be difficult about this I might not even bother."

            "What!" Aaron A. shouted in bewilderment.

            "Hey man, no need to shout," the cloaked reaper sat down on the couch and pulled out a cigarette.

            "So, I'm not dying?" A. A. Aronson asked.

            "Like, do you want to die or something?" The reaper answered his question with another question.

            "No!" Aaron affirmed.

            "Then I guess you're not dying," the cloaked figure took a puff of his cigarette. "You know I didn't even want this job," the reaper began, "but my uncle got it for me so I had to do it or my mom would chew my ear off."

            "Dear god what the hell is happening?" Aronson pleaded for answers while the reaper continued to vent his complaints.

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I've got nothing to say about today's stories, but I am working on that rework I mentioned last time. Look forward to a more structured set of story releases in the foreseeable future.
Until then, Read, Comment and Enjoy.