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‘You know,’ Mary thought, ‘when I applied to work as a desk jockey at H&E Hockey Sticks corporate office, this isn’t what I had in mind.’ It was a perfectly normal office by most metrics. The office was filled with chairs, computers, hundreds of identical desks, the shuffling of papers, and idle chatter. However, only the briefest of glances would confirm it was anything but ordinary.
The view outside the window showed a vast, rocky, and cavernous landscape of eternal fire and brimstone. All the managers displayed prominent horns upon their heads. The higher their position, the bigger the horns. Most of the other employees had various combinations of unusual features. Tails, bat-like wings, hoofs, red skin, and sharp fangs were all common. The janitors were all small, grey creatures who floated by with tiny wings. And above all else, the coffee machine occasionally dispensed liquid magma. No one seemed to mind except for Mary.
‘Having to take an elevator down to 180th basement floor for my interview should have been my first clue,’ Mary realized as she typed away at a random document. Honestly, she was just trying to look busy. That way, her coworkers wouldn’t bother her.
‘I was hoping a new job would let me meet new friends. Maybe learn a useful office skill or two, but...’ Mary’s thoughts trailed off as she glanced to some of her nearby coworkers.
Her immediate neighbor to her right was an insect-like creature with four arms who stood eight meters tall. He wasn’t much for conversation. To Mary’s left was a more human-looking woman, with wings, a barbed tail, and blazing yellow eyes. Said woman was part of a clique who had tried to bring Mary into their fold when she first joined. Mary quickly excused herself when she discovered what their idea of a “fun night” was.
‘I’d look for another job, but,’ Mary sighed. ‘I wish I had read the contract more thoroughly.’ People often joke about selling their souls to their job, but such jests were no longer humorous for Mary. ‘Maybe, if I spend the rest of eternity working on this spreadsheet, I’ll be fine,’ she told herself.
“Ah, Mary, just the girl I wanted to see,” a voice stated, which sent a chill down Mary’s spine.
“Yes, boss?” Mary turned around to see a giant, disembodied eyeball floating behind her. It wasn’t really an eyeball, more like a projection of a giant opened eye. Despite having no mouth, it’s voiced echoed throughout the room and right into Mary’s mind.
“I have an extra special job for you,” the eye revealed.
“Oh, lovely,” Mary failed to hide her fear. ‘I’m so going to die.’
“Now don’t be like that,” the eye read her thoughts. “Even if you died, you’d come right back here, so there’s nothing to worry about. Now then, follow me if you please.”
“Yes, boss,” Mary slunk out of her chair and follow the eye to a nearby elevator. The transport generously listed all the floors in the building. From the 1st floor all the way down to 666th basement. Mary walked inside the elevator, which was relatively normal. Aside from the red carpeting and blood coming out of the walls (hence the red carpeting).
“Now this is an important task. As the only living human currently on our staff, you are the only one fit to perform it,” the boss explained as the elevator began its descent.
“Wait, only living?” Mary exclaimed.
“Oh, yes, Jeff fell into a lava pool last week,” the eye squinted. “He’s in the flaming skull division now.”
“So, what part of being a living human is so important to this job?” Mary inquired, against her better judgment.
“I’d tell you, but I think it’s better to see for yourself,” the boss sighed (somehow). The elevator came to a stop on the 665th floor, aka the executive offices. Mary had never been down there before. While one usually might walk through the halls where their boss’s boss worked with reverence and care, Mary felt suffocated. In fact, she was actually suffocating. There wasn’t much air down there. “Oh, apologies. Lou, could you pump some more air down here?”
“Oh, thank g...well, you know,” Mary coughed as the air returned. Now she finally had a chance to observe her surrounding, and it looked like an average executive office floor. The carpet was plush. There were portraits of executives along the walls and plenty of fancy decorations. The fact most of the decorations were made from human-looking bones certainly made it stand out, though.
“Now, hurry along, we’re almost there,” the eye pushed Mary along until they came to a large double door. The nameplate on the door was in Latin, but the big “S” inscribed on the door gave Mary a reasonably good idea of whose office it was. “Enter,” the boss opened the door (telepathically obviously) and ushered Mary inside.
Beyond the door was not a long red carpet that led to a big wooden desk with an equally large horned monster with six heads and six arms like Mary expected. In fact, it didn’t even look like an office that much, or at least not anymore. The room had a distinct air of a sudden and drastic redecoration. It looked a bit more modern, like something you’d see in a startup run by 20-somethings. Filled with contemporary art, pop culture posters, and stuffed animals. The best description would be a teenage girl’s room vomited all over an executive office.
At the center of the chaos was what looked like a teenage girl, except for the curled horns, barbed tail, and aura of absolute menace and evil. She sat on a nearby couch with her legs in the air, chatting away on a cell phone. The girl was dressed like she was following fashion trends from the 1990s, all of them at once. She spoke in a random mixture of “teenage” lingo from across three decades.
“Like totally, yeah...like totes LEET, YOLO and stuff,” the girl gabbed away on her cell.
“Is that,” Mary pointed, mouth agape.
“Exactly who you think it is, yes,” the eye affirmed.
“Not their daughter?” Mary was in disbelief.
“Nope,” the eye replied.
“Ooh, my 2:00 is here, like Yeet you later,” the girl hung up her phone and bounced to her feet.
“What did you need me for...um?” Mary struggled to find the right word to address her.
“Like, call me S, not boss and certainly not Big S, makes me sound totes fat,” S replied.
“What did you need me for, S?” Mary gulped.
“Didn’t you tell her? Like, totes not coral, Eyebrow,” Spouted.
“For the love of all the is evil,” the eye squinted. “Ahem, let me explain, Mary. S here discovered modern human culture for the first time in centuries, and now they’re enraptured with it. As our only living human on staff, you are the best fit to be her guide.”
“I see,” Mary feigned understanding. “For reference, how long ago did this start?”
“A week,” the eye rolled itself.
“Oh my go-!” Mary nearly blurted out.
“Like don’t even say that nerd’s name down here,” S shushed her.
“Okay,” Mary was too stunned to disagree.
“Now, like, teach me all about this modern human stuff,” S jumped into Mary’s face. “I totes want to know all the LEET and YOLO stuff. I want to be Da Bomb, get all that tubular bling Kay, brah?”
‘The fuck?’ Mary swore internally.
“My thoughts exactly,” the eye read Mary’s mind again. “Now go along, show S everything she wants to know.”
“Totes rocking this boat,” S spouted off more random words, “first stop the mall, right? That’s where all the hippest hippies hang out, right? Come on.” S dragged Mary along, to wherever her whims would take them.
“Finally,” the boss said as the two left the room. “Perhaps, ahem, hanging out with such a boring stick in the mud as Mary will finally get S to snap out of this phase.” While the eye remained behind, proud of its accomplishment, Mary and S began a long, crazy adventure at the mall. Full of twists, turns, betrayals, and drama, the two’s exploits would be known as some of the most incredible nonsense in history. Countries would fall, heroes would be born, they’d even save Christmas at one point. And, for your information, S did not grow out of this “phase,” it only got worse.~~~~
You never know what you might have to do at your job, so always read the fine print.
Until next time, Read, Comment and Enjoy
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