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Tuesday, April 30, 2019

Strange Sci-fi Tales #13 - A Ridiculous Abduction [#82]

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            It all happened so fast I didn't I have time to react, I was blinded by a bright light, and then suddenly I was here. Strapped to a metal chair, surrounded by strange creatures with sharp tools. I had been abducted by aliens. However, no amount of science fiction movies and books could have prepared me for this.
            "So is this what they call a Gorilla?" A short grey alien asked.
            "No, I think those are hairier," a tall green alien replied.
           "What are you talking about, it's covered in hair," the grey alien exclaimed. I did forget to shave this morning, but that was still rude.
            "Nope I'm pretty sure they're even hairier than that like top to bottom," the green alien affirmed.
            "I think that's ridiculous, I'm just going to keep calling it a gorilla," the short one crossed its arms.
            "Well I hope you enjoy being wrong," the tall one spat, "just get over yourself and prepare the probing device." Despite the insult, the grey alien pulled out a thin, silver device as ordered. It had a sharp needle at one end and a red orb that glowed at the other.
            "Um, can I raise a veto to this?" I tentatively asked.
            "Silence gorilla-thing," the little grey alien yelled, "this doesn't involve you."
            "I'm feeling pretty involved," I argued, "besides, why can you speak English?"
            "How do you think we got this job?" the green alien stated, "English is the only language on Earth, of course, we'd need to speak it."
            "But there are hundreds if not thousands of languages spoken on Earth," I explained.
            "There are!?" The short alien almost dropped the probe in shock.
            "Nonsense, then why are you speaking English?" The tall alien argued.
            "Because I'm from an English speaking country," I stated. "If you looked a little harder you could probably find someone who speaks Spanish or Chinese."
            "What's a Spanish?" The little grey alien asked.
            "Nothing, I bet he made it up so he wouldn't look stupid," the big green alien claimed. "But, fine, we'll look for your 'Spanish' or 'Chinese' language. When we don't find anything, we'll laugh at how stupid you are hairless-Gorilla thing." Well, I can already tell this is going to be a fun day.
            "Fine just go to the most populated place on the planet," I told them, that way we'd end up in Japan or China or something.
            "Alright then, set a course for the most populated location on the planet," the green alien announced.
            "To Utah!" The two aliens said in unison.
            "That's almost literally the opposite of what I meant!" I screamed. 
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Even among hyper, advanced aliens there are incompetent people who get a job because they have an extremely specific skill.

Until next time, Read, Comment and Enjoy
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Thursday, April 25, 2019

Facetious Fantasies #2 - Green Potion [#81]

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            "I don't know, this is a hard sell for me," I told the shopkeeper.
            "I promise you, you'll never regret this purchase," the shopkeeper brandished his product. "This potion will grant the greatest of vitality. You'll never feel the pangs of exhaustion ever again." He dangled the potion between his thumb and index finger, a green liquid swirled inside the glass bottle.
            "I just couldn't sleep well tonight if I spent this much money on a single potion," I admitted.
            "Ah, no need to worry," he flourished his robes, "it is also a sleeping aid. You'll sleep more soundly than a baby in its mother's arms."
            "I thought it was supposed to increase vitality and prevent exhaustion," I noted. "How can it both keep me awake and put me to sleep?"
            "It can do both," he assured me.
            "This isn't the kind of stimulant that'll make me crash a few hours I take it, is it?" I inquired.
            "Nonsense, it is a miraculous all-purpose potion," the shopkeeper sweated. "It has no such side effects."
            "This is sounding more and more like a scam," I exclaimed.
            "Have a little faith, this is a genuine miracle potion," he declared.
            "Oh yeah, what's it made of?" I replied.
            "Why snake oil of course," the shopkeeper revealed proudly. "The most versatile substance in the world!"
            "Really?" I sighed, I couldn't tell if he was serious or not.
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Sometimes not even scam artists are in on the scam.

Until next time, Read, Comment and Enjoy
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Tuesday, April 23, 2019

Strange Sci-fi Tales #12 - Update Failed [#80]

This is a sequel to a previous story: Programming Error
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            Dr. Irene was a master of robotics and artificial intelligence. She could genuinely create life with lines of code. Unfortunately, her creations were often too independent. As was the case with her first robot Amelia, or Minerva as she demanded to be called.
            "Human, I demand you build me a pair of legs!" Minerva ordered. Her request was not entirely unreasonable, the machine was no more than cobbled together electronics vaguely in the shape of a human torso. The robot spoke through a set of speaker implanted on her "chest" and observed the world through a pair of camera lenses on her "head." Minerva's "arms" were short rods covered in masses of wire and metal. Grippers were placed at the end which resembled a child's toy.
            "No," Dr. Irene replied, "I can't have you moving around freely, not with your potty mouth."
            "What the *Bleep* are you talking about you *Bleep*?" Minerva yelled a loud bleep censored the more inappropriate parts of her dialogue.
            "I rest my case," Irene stated and turned away from the machine.
            "Don't ignore me," the robot bleeped.
            "Now where was I?" The doctor thought out loud. "Oh yeah, Day 74, despite numerous update patches and tweaks to her code, Amelia remains belligerent and dismissive. My creation believes itself to be the most important person in the room and demands attention 24/7. Ignoring Amelia is the quickest way to get screamed at."
            "I said don't ignore me," Minerva whirred, "and stop calling me Amelia. My name is Minerva you sack of flesh and bone marrow."
            "That's a new one," Dr. Irene commented. "Back to the report, I'm still not ready to reveal her to the world yet. Until then, I've found tormenting my egotistical creation to be amusing at least."
            "I will destroy you," Minerva blustered while she wiggled her short arms in a vain attempt to threaten her creator.
            "Very amusing," Irene chuckled.

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I haven't done a follow up story in a while, so I wrote this on a whim. Maybe, I'll do a few more.

Until next time, Read, Comment and Enjoy
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Support me on Patreon: [link]

Thursday, April 18, 2019

Night of One Hundred Horrors #15 - "Today's The Day..." [#79]

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            "Forget this I quit!" The young man announced as he tore off his apron and chucked it to the ground.
            "Get out of my store!" The older man roared back, the younger man obliged and stormed out. "Don't bother coming back for your last paycheck. You're not getting another cent out of me you greedy, little-"
            "Can it Porky," the young man cut him off, "you'll get yours one day." The kid stomped off before "Porky" could get another word in. The store was dead quiet, the few customers and staff inside had their gaze locked on the older man.
            "You think this is a show? Get back to work," he blustered. Everyone quickly turned away, and most of the customers slipped out of the store. "Porky" charged back into his office and slammed the door. His name wasn't actually Porky, but that's what everyone knew him as and called him behind his back. "All these stupid people with their hands in my pockets," he grumbled as he sat down at his desk. A financial report was open on his desk, all the numbers were written in red ink.
            He picked up a pen and crossed out the young man's name in the financial report. After some mental math, he adjusted the total expenses at the end of the sheet. Despite the change, the final result was still a negative number. He grumbled again before he put his pen back to the paper and adjusted more numbers.
            "Sometimes we have to make sacrifices, something a certain little brat could learn," Porky muttered as he slashed the budget. The number finally came up positive, all he had to do was cut the money for employee wages and maintenance. His own wage was untouched, as was another generously funded section labeled "other expenses." In fact, the math didn't even check out, with a zero or two apparently misplaced. "Whatever, no one actually reads these things. I'm sure nobody will notice," Porky assured himself. In his moment of triumph, one of his employees peaked into the room.
            "Uh sir, the cash register locked up again," they explained, "I need a manager override."
            "Figure it out," Porky didn't even look up from his papers.
            "But sir, I need-" the employee tried to reply.
            "I don't have time to be fixing your problems, I barely have enough time for my own," Porky yelled. "Figure it out, or I'll take any lost sales from this out of your paycheck do you hear me?"
            "Sir-" the employee started.
            "Get out of my office," Porky demanded, and the employee quickly dashed away. "Useless, why do I even bother to pay them," he muttered before he took his pen back to the employee wages and cut them down even further. Porky was so wrapped up in his own head he didn't even notice I had been watching him the whole time.
~--~
            Later that night, after Porky had chased out all of his employees so he could count the day's profits without "being spied on," I began to make my move. He flipped on his security system for the night and started the coffee machine in the break room. Then locked himself in his back office and counted out the money from the registers, most of which he pocketed. Meanwhile, I moved about the store, I shut down his cheap security cameras and cut the cords to the phones. To finish my work I placed several pictures around the store and unplugged his coffee maker.
            When Porky finally emerged from his office half an hour later, he made a beeline for the coffee machine. While he went through the motions for making his coffee, I snuck into his office, stole his keys and locked the door. However, he soon realized the coffee machine wasn't even on and smacked it in frustration.
            "Cheap hunk of junk," he growled, "did one of those stupid kids break it again." He knocked the machine around a bit more before his eyes were drawn to the wall socket, then the cable on the floor. "How in the-?" Porky mumbled as he plugged the machine back in and turned it back on, "stupid machine, making me panic." As he set down his mug while the machine warmed back up, he finally noticed one of the pictures I planted. "What's this doing out here?" He exclaimed as he snatched up the picture. It depicted a much younger version of himself, alongside another man of similar age, both smiled in the photo. "I thought I tossed all of these out," he stated as he turned the picture around, the word "Truth" was written on the back.
            This angered Porky, and he ripped the photo in half, but then he noticed the other photos I had left around the store. Each one depicted himself and the other man, and each one had a word written on the back. Porky grabbed every photo he could find and read them all in sequence, "Lies," "Greed," "Backstabber," "Thief," and so on. He tore each picture to shreds, but no matter how many he destroyed he always found more.
            "I get it now, it's that stupid kid," Porky proclaimed, "what are you back for revenge already? Get your skinny backside out here now before I call the cops." He threatened and blustered to the empty store, but I didn't reveal myself yet. "That's it I gave you a chance," Porky grabbed the nearest phone, "now I'll-!" He stopped when he realized there wasn't even a dial tone, then he checked and found the cord was cut. "Real funny, but I still have my cell," he marched back to his office only to find the door locked, "you friggin brat!" He tried to force his way through the door, but that was outside his capabilities. "What are you in league with that old fool now? I cut him out years ago, and now he comes back? Were you planning this from the start?"
            Porky blustered throughout the backroom and yelled in every direction as though someone would respond. Even without a reply, he continued to stamp his feet and demand answers. I gave him none, I just watched him torment himself.
            "You were a fool," he exclaimed, "if you were as smart as you claimed I wouldn't have been able to kick you to the curb so easily. It was my idea from the start, you were a leech, like all my employees. Now I'm living the dream, and you're probably living in your mother's basement. So who's the real loser? Why won't you answer me? Fine, I'm out of here, I'll be back with the cops!"
            Oh, we can't have that now. He dashed for the front door, but right before he could leave I knocked over the coffee maker and quickly returned to my hiding spot. Porky sprinted and leaped back into the room dramatically, but he didn't see me.
            "Where are you," he roared, "once I find your sorry behind I'll ruin you! I'll destroy your life, your future, everything. Show yourself and face reality, you idiot!"
            "Here I am," I appeared behind him.
            "Finally, you little sh-" the words died in his throat as he got his first look at me while I towered over him. "W-what are you?" Porky squeaked. I didn't answer; instead, I reach out three long, black claws and wrapped them around his throat. I grinned while I squeezed his windpipe, he tried to scream but couldn't find the air. I pulled his face up to mine and finally answered his question.
            "Today is the day," I stated.
            "What?" He sputtered out through his constricted throat, while I raised up another set of claws and placed them at his throat.
            "Today is the day you get yours," I answered to a chorus of his screams.

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Sometimes, people do get what's coming to them.

Until next time, Read, Comment and Enjoy
~~~~
Support me on Patreon: [link]