Part 1: [link]
Part 2: [link]
Part 3: [link]
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Previously on the Beginner’s Guide to Everything: Mary Brown, the most normal girl in the multiverse, found herself in GOTM HQ after she was kidnapped by interdimensional renegade Ronnie Ray. Fortunately, this kidnapping occurred approximately 10.734 seconds before her entire universe was destroyed as part of a natural pruning process. Unfortunately, this led the two right into a GOTM sting.
Ronnie was arrested for her petty crimes and sentenced to 1,000 solar cycles in cryo prison. Mary, with nowhere to go, was given a job at the Beginner’s Guide offices. She replied to this offer by having a mental breakdown.
~--~
Mary Brown found herself standing before the Beginner’s Guide offices, a thin manila folder clutched in her hand. The offices were quite impressive, not visually or structurally, or in how technologically advanced they were, but in sheer size. While no taller than your average office building on any number of Earths, the offices stretched on for what seemed like forever.
Mary looked behind her, sparing once last glance at GOTM HQ, which floated in the void above. The location was easily the size of a city and appeared nothing short of a technological marvel. Which made it all the more bizarre to Mary that on the ground below were infinite normal-looking office buildings.
The brunette looked down at said ground, but she wasn’t sure if that was the right term to use. There wasn’t any dirt or plants, just an endless white floor that felt solid but was too clean to be natural. Although, it didn’t seem artificial either. That’s because it wasn’t, but Mary had no way to know for sure.
The center of the multiverse is nothing more than a boundless void, and what is and isn’t there is solely defined by collective agreement. The Beginner’s Guide offices do not exist upon solid ground, but merely a spot in the void everyone decided would be solid ground. Of course, if you went around convincing people it wasn’t, which was technically true, the offices would immediately fall into the void. Thankfully, that was unlikely to happen.
Mary gathered every ounce of courage she could muster, which if measured physically could fit in a thimble, and failed to take a step forward. Lucky for her, A-2 had accompanied the secretary and shoved her through the front door. The brunette wanted to protest but didn’t have time as the cyborg punted her through the entrance.
While Mary would have liked nothing more than to lay upon the office floor and slowly expire. Social anxiety about being seen lying on the ground in a heap pressured her into standing up. The bored receptionist, who appeared mostly human except for the fact she had six arms, eight eyes, and sharp fangs, didn’t even look up from her four crossword puzzles.
“I’m here for a...job interview?” Mary stated with hesitation. She didn’t actually know what she was here for, just that the office needed more staff.
“What she means is, GOTM sent her like you asked,” A-2 corrected.
“You’re hired,” the receptionist stated. “Go through that door, find an unoccupied computer and look busy until someone gives you real work,” she pointed at a big metal door to her left.
“That’s it? Can she do that? I’m confused?” Mary asked.
“Yep, just go,” A-2 shoved her along. They moved right through the door and out into a truly massive cubicle farm. The sight of which made Mary cry in horror and amazement. Mostly horror. Creatures of all shapes and sizes sat in each cubicle, from humans to dogs, to robots and aliens. Demons, elves, angels, and even a sentient mass of jelly rounded out the ranks of office drones. Never before had Mary seen something so fantastical yet utterly mundane.
“Huh, no empty cubicles around here,” A-2 commented. “You’re in luck though, the office goes on forever, so there’s bound to be one eventually.”
“You know, maybe I should just go home,” Mary took a step back. “The glue factory wasn’t such a bad job.”
“Wasn’t your entire universe destroyed?” A-2 pointed out.
“That’s what people keep telling me, but no one said why,” Mary snapped.
“Well you know erosion?” A-2 replied.
“Y-yeah?”
“It’s like that, but beyond cosmic scale,” A-2 explained. “I’d give you a detailed explanation, but it’d probably make your puny, lower realm brain explode.”
“Okay, second question” Mary suppressed another mental breakdown, “why are you following me around?”
“I’ve got nothing better to do,” was A-2’s reply.
“Are you sure?” the brunette asked in concern.
“Well, I was the navigation for that bottle ship you rode on,” A-2 revealed, “but I decided I’m going to quit that job and follow you around for the rest of eternity.”
“Why?” Mary exclaimed.
“After working at the back of a ship that crashes on that side every time it lands, I need a distinct lack of excitement in my life right now,” A-2 answered. “Also, I think your reactions are amusing, and I hope to see more of that. Plus, I got nothing better to do.”
“Right,” Mary sighed. ‘The first person to ever notice me, and she just follows me around because she enjoys my pain. Fuck it, I’ll take it,’ the brunette reluctantly accepted this fact.
“I’m looking for someone to do real work!” A bossy-looking man stomped out into the cubicle farm. Suddenly, all the other various workers became extremely busy or needed to be somewhere else. Those that couldn’t manage that just hid under their desks. Mary, a veteran of office work, was quick to follow in their footsteps.
“This girl needs real work,” A-2 announced, pointing at Mary.
“Good,” the bossy man grabbed both girls by the arm and dragged them off. Mary tried desperately to pull herself free but swiftly tired herself out and gave up. A-2 just laughed the whole way.
~--~
The Beginner’s Guide to Everything advertises itself as the de facto guide of surface-level information to all things in existence. While you won’t find the meaning of life or advanced arithmetic, you will find a vast collection of general information on anything you could hope to imagine.
The initial version was a crowd-sourced encyclopedia that could be freely edited by any yahoo with an internet connection. It simply grew from that point, greatly aided by the invention of the interdimensional internet. Thankfully, half the work was done already, as the idea for a crowd-sourced encyclopedia was among the thirty-seven and a half ideas that are multiversal constants.
As a result, the Beginner’s Guide simply needed to incorporate the information from the other, already written, encyclopedias. Sometimes by purchasing the information or rights, but usually by highlighting each page, right-clicking, and hitting copy. Thankfully, the arcane and confusing interdimensional court system has prevented any copyright lawsuit from being successfully filed against the Beginner’s Guide.
Topics covered by the Beginner’s Guide include, but are not limited to: Food, political systems, lost civilizations, top ten lists, and the controversy over the use of interdimensional and multiversal as interchangeable words in its pages. In the latter’s case, its entire entry consists solely of the phrase “Shut Up.” Further revisions pending, but a popular frontrunner for the next edition is, “Because shut up, that’s why.”
~--~
“...And here at the Beginner’s Guide offices, we must continue to strive for a constant flow of information to keep our reader’s mildly interested,” the bossy man rambled on. He had babbled on for an impressively long amount of time. Still, Mary had lost interest in the spectacle halfway into the third hour. A-2 had fallen asleep within the first ten minutes.
“Is there a point to all this?” Mary had finally worked up the courage to interrupt him. Or rather, her capacity for giving a damn had long since been eroded away to the point that she didn’t care about being polite.
“Oh, right, the work,” the bossy man finally acknowledged Mary’s presence. “You see, there is always more information out there to collect for the Beginner’s Guide. Henceforth we need an infinite number of survey teams working round the clock to keep up with it.”
“Okay,” Mary nodded. ‘This might actually be interesting. Exploring other universes might keep my mind off the existential terror that’s been hanging over my head since my universe wiped out in the blink of an eye.’
“And to support those survey teams, we need assistants,” the man continued.
“Oh,” the brunette realized that her status as a new employee would likely leave her with all the busywork.
“And to support those assistants, we need more assistants,” the bossy man explained.
“What?” Mary realized that even her adjusted expectations were too optimistic.
“You,” he pointed at A-2, “will be the assistant surveyor for factoid team 8599238301408-B. And you,” the bossy man told at Mary, “will be the assistant assistant surveyor for the very same factoid team.”
“What’s a factoid team?” Mary prayed it was something interesting.
“It’s simple,” the bossy man dropped a doorstop of a book on the table. The hardcover behemoth dwarfed the size and thickness of even the mightiest encyclopedias Mary had ever laid eyes upon. The way the table seemed to buckle under its weight implied it was far heavier as well. In big, bold letters, the words “The Beginner’s Guide to Everything” was written on the front, with “1,835,038,407th edition” written in the bottom in gold letters.
The bossy man pried open the hardcover tome, whose pages flowed like a river made of pop-up books. The pages folded and flipped, but not as a linear series of pieces of paper, but a labyrinth of text. The man flipped to a random page, numbered “C-339ufj3834.” It detailed a general overview of a mid-level dimension where all life forms were made of plastic.
“Very interesting,” Mary dug up the best comment she could find.
“No, no, here,” the bossy man pointed at a little box in the corner labeled “fun fact.”
“The Plastic Dimension, as it was named by the State of the Obvious Committee,” the box read, “is home to 4,872 types of plastic that exist nowhere else in the multiverse.”
“Interesting, no?” The man smiled.
“No,” Mary stated her honest opinion.
“Well, you’re in luck,” the bossy man ignored her. “It’s your job to help others make those little boxes a reality. Just sit at your desk, and you’ll get a message on your computer with the information. You’ll put it into a pre-selected spot on the template page and send it off to the editors for review.”
“So, I’m just a needless middle man?” Mary pointed out.
“I know, isn’t it great?” The bossy man beamed with pride. “Meanwhile, your robot friend there will be on-site sending those messages to you. Isn’t that exciting?” Mary held her tongue. A-2 just snored loudly.
~--~
“Even in the most fantastical place imaginable, my life is still so dull,” Mary lamented her new lot in life. On one hand, she should be grateful she was alive. However, acknowledging that would remind her that her universe was destroyed mere hours ago, and she still wasn’t ready to unpack that.
“At least you got an easy gig,” A-2 looked on the bright side while she packed up her things. The two were in what Mary assumed was A-2’s home. A 2-meter by 2-meter cube apartment back in GOTM HQ. “Just don’t piss off any scary-looking coworkers, and you’ll be fine.”
“Why are you so ready to leave me behind. I thought you said you wanted to follow me around?” Mary asked.
“I said I had nothing better to do, now I do,” A-2 admitted.
“Good point,” Mary whined. “Wait,” the former secretary had a flash of inspiration, “take me with you.”
“That’s not part of your job,” A-2 replied.
“But I’m your assistant now, right?” Mary argued. “What’s the problem with me following you?”
“Are you bored?” A-2 missed the point.
“No, I just don’t want to be here,” Mary cried. “I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in an infinitely large office building being constantly reminded of how insignificant I am. I’d rather be somewhere...No, anywhere theoretically interesting to keep my mind off my oncoming mental breakdown.”
“So you’re throwing yourself into extra work to ignore your problems?” A-2 pointed out.
“Well...yes, I guess,” Mary had no witty reply.
“Okay,” A-2 shrugged. “This outta be fun.”
“I certainly hope so,” Mary hoped she wouldn’t regret this. Unfortunately for her, she would. In fact, this might go down as the single biggest mistake of her life. Just above the time, she tried to ride a unicycle backward down a mile-long hill for attention. That instance was a mistake because no one showed up to watch her spectacular failure. This time, however, her mistake consequences would have far more long-term effects than personal embarrassment.
To Be Continued...
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Getting a new job is often a stressful experience, new expectations, responsibilities and coworkers are all thrown at you at once. Then sometimes you end up doing exactly what you did at your last job, but in a different office. It's a wonder people are desperate to break up the monotony.
Until next time, Read, Comment and Enjoy
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