Part 1: [link]
Part 2: [link]
Part 3: [link]
Part 4: [link]
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Previously on the Beginner’s Guide to Everything: Mary Brown, the most normal girl in the multiverse, found herself with a new job at the Beginner’s Guide to Everything office, following the complete destruction of her own universe. Assigned to be nothing more than a redundant middle man to a team collecting factoids for a glorified traveler’s brochure. Mary desired a little more excitement in her life and decided to join her new superior, the cyborg A-2, for some fieldwork.
Meanwhile, little thought has been spared for the fugitive Ronnie Ray, who got Mary in this situation, to begin with. The contents of her 1,000 solar cycle stay in the cryo prison will be covered in a moment; for now, Mary has her first day at a new job…
~--~
Mary observed the marvelous spaceship that would serve as their transport and home for the near future. However, marvelous is not the right word; junky, rusted, and clunky would be far better descriptors. Spaceship is also a deceptive descriptor that implies it only moves through the vacuum of space. The Starford 212 Cannister-class ships can move through time, space, and numerous other dimensions with the same ease as a dilapidated jalopy navigates a bumpy country road.
As its class implies, the 212 was shaped like a soda can; the front even opened up like a pull tab. It was much smaller than the Bottle-class ship that Mary rode in before, but it was still about the size of a small plane that had packed on a few pounds. While in its prime, the vessel would be an example of a sleek, futuristic and sterile transport. Today it resembled a soda can that had sat rusting in a junkyard for an alarming number of years.
“Is that thing safe?” Mary inquired.
“No clue, but I’m sure that won’t matter,” A-2 ineptly foreshadowed their grim future. “Why don’t we meet our new coworkers? Not that they’ll remember you, but still.”
Mary held her tongue; she was used to the “nobody remembers her” bit at this point. “Better to be wallpaper than a nail that sticks out and gets hammered,” she’d always tell herself.
The two casually walked inside the vehicle and came face to face with their new coworkers. Most of them were weird-looking aliens; a few of the beings resembled humans. A few more beings resembled humans but with rubber foreheads, and lastly, there was a sentient ball of gas. However, at the front of the ship, looming over them all by virtue of sitting in the raised captain’s chair, was a lizard person.
The lizard stood on two legs, scales covering them from head to toe. Their clawed hands dug into the worn leather of the captain’s chair while their slender tail hung over the back. Despite this unusual appearance, Mary found herself drawn mainly towards their pirate hat and eyepatch, which seemed out of place in the sci-fi room. The only other thing of note was a large name tag pinned to their shirt that read, “Triz Claxy – Lead Surveyor.”
“Nice to meet you, boss…lizard,” A-2 held out her hand. “I’m A-2, your new assistant, and this is my assistant Mary.”
“Pleasssure to meet you,” Triz’s voice surprised Mary with how feminine it sounded. If she had to put it into words, it sounded like a 50s something woman with nasty smoking and drinking habit who like to emphasize ‘s’ sounds.
“So, boss lizard, if you don’t mind be asking, what’s with the pirate getup?” A-2 brought up the elephant in the room.
“Oh, it’sss jussst a holdover from my ssspace pirate daysss,” Triz revealed. “But I’m passsed all that now.”
“So, you’re an ex-con,” A-2 bluntly stated to Mary’s horror.
“Yesss, but we’ve got a lot of ex-cons here, don’t we?” Triz replied.
“Wait, who else here is an ex-con?” Mary exclaimed and was met with everyone else in the room, sans A-2 and the sentient gas cloud, raising their hands.
“Put your hand up, Jerry,” one of the weird-looking aliens said to the gas cloud, who reluctantly formed a gaseous hand to raise.
“You know, technically, you’re an ex-con,” A-2 said to Mary.
“No, I’m not,” Mary snapped. “I was kidnapped by convict…er, someone who became a convict after they kidnapped me, but not because they kidnapped me…oh, forget it.” A-2 chuckled at Mary’s expense, but no one else so much as reacted.
‘Although that does make me wonder, how is Ronnie doing?’ Mary pondered. ‘Not that I care, but…no wait, that’s right, I don’t care,’ Mary shrugged. Triz soon made an announcement they would take off within the hour. Mary settled into an unoccupied corner of the ship and prepared to treat this whole thing as an extended work trip.
“Destination: Hazard,” Triz declared, “the danger dimension.”
“I’m sorry, what?” Mary blurted out as the Cannister-class ship rocketed off into the boundless void with a creak and shudder.
~--~
Ronnie Ray thanked whatever higher power was watching her above. Most people sent to cryo prison typically stay there the entire sentence, parole, bail, and the like are fairly hard to arrange while in cryostasis. Nothing short of a mass prison break, which is also rare when 100% of the inmates are on ice, or a bureaucratic error can get one out early.
On an unrelated note, the officer in charge of Ronnie’s case forgot to check a box on page 38 of the paperwork. A long game of bureaucracy telephone later, Ronnie’s sentence length was accidentally set as 1,000 nano cycles instead of solar cycles. The result was Ronnie went right from her brand new cell to release in roughly the span of a few Earth seconds. Naturally, the guards found the whole situation suspicious and were planning on reviewing the case. Ronnie pretended to accept this before running away the second they took their eyes off her.
The fugitive had hidden in a dark corner of the cryo prison where only an extremely dedicated janitor had any hope of discovering her. While she was safe from being discovered, Ronnie’s real problem was that she lacked any food or water. At this point, her choices would usually be to stay down here and expire or return above and go back to her cell. Luckily for Ronnie, she had prepared a third option.
“Didn’t think I’d get to use this,” she pulled out another remote device similar to the one she had used to dimension jump with Mary before. Hidden safely alongside her knock-out spray in a cavity one shouldn’t mention in polite company. “I had hoped to save this for a dramatic escape at my trial, but judge, jury, and executioner back at the station took me off guard.”
The device whirled to life and began to lock onto a specific signal. It was taking its time, but it would only be a matter of minutes. Ronni grinned as her plan was coming back to fruition.
“A good fugitive always has a backup escape route,” Ronnie declared to herself. “That transmitter I planted on M…whatshername will be my salvation.” The device locked onto the signal and prepared to dimension jump. “She should be smack dab in the middle of an endless office building right now, or maybe an apartment. Wherever she is, I should be able to sneak away long before GOTM even knows I was there.” With the flick of a switch, she was beamed right to Mary’s location, ready to begin her life as a fugitive anew.
~--~
Much to her shock, Ronnie found herself materialize in the middle of a dense jungle. As she got her bearings, she realized how hot, humid and sticky it was. Overall, the scenery was lovely, but she could do without all the people screaming. Ronnie wondered what the hell Mary was doing here or if her transmitter was bugging out. A quick glance revealed Mary was nearby, just a few meters in front of her, curled up beside a rock. The former secretary had a look of absolute horror on her face but wasn’t looking directly at Ronnie.
“What is she-?” Ronnie turned around to see what the fuss was about. The giant lizard monsters with three heads baring their teeth at her answered that question. “Oh, F-!” Ronnie didn’t even have a chance to finish her swear.
To Be Continued…
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Meeting new coworkers can be awkward as you try to adjust to a new workplace culture. It's only made worse when you're not clear on the finer details of your new job or where you might be working. Doubly so if you dive in head first into your new role without thinking.
Until next time, Read, Comment and Enjoy
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