Enigmatic Fantasies #27 - Office of the Dead [#87]

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            "Bran...Bran...Bran," Jim repeated as he slowly typed away at the computer. His rotten fingers moved with a surprising amount of dexterity.

            "Hey Jim," I popped into his cubicle to drop off a file, "what's this about bran?"

            "Am on diet," Jim moaned, "brains too fatty, need to be health conscious this day and age." He took the file from me with his pale green hand and flopped it onto the desk.

            "Your wife on your case again?" I asked.

            "No, this my choice," he admitted, "been feeling good so far."

            "That's nice to hear," I nodded as I ducked out of his cubicle. When he was out of earshot I gagged a bit, the stench from his area was unbearable. I guess he didn't put on enough deodorant today. I quickly returned to my own workstation and sat down. The boss wasn't around today, so I had a chance to get some real work done. However, just as I got comfortable, I noticed the bat perched on my cubicle wall.

            "I wondered how long it would take you to notice me," my boss appeared in a puff of smoke, still perched on my cubicle. "My dear Bill, I would appreciate it if you came into work on Saturday to help complete the Q4 project. I'll also need you to come in on Sunday to finish the inventory reports."

            "Sure, I'll see if I can make room in my schedule," I rolled my eyes.

            "Good sport, see you then," he poofed back into a bat and flew away.

            'Pain in the ass,' I almost muttered, at least he didn't dump anything on me for today. Now I'll just need to come up with an excuse to get out of work this weekend. Sometimes I hate this office, the undead never stop. You'd think they of all people would appreciate rest.

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They say you can rest when your dead, but corporate had other plans it seems.

Until next time, Read, Comment and Enjoy

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Strange Sci-fi Tales #14 - A Man and His Bots [#86]

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            "Aren't you concerned about letting technology raise your children?" I asked my friend.

            "Of course not, my kid loves his nannybot," my friend gestured to the living room where said robot cradled his infant son.

            "Sleep little baby," the nannybot sung in a digitized voice. The bulky machine hardly resembled its namesake, but the baby didn't seem to mind.

            "When's the last time you even held your son?" I inquired.

            "Last week, I think?" My friend scratched the back of his neck, "Hey recordbot, when's the last time I held my son?" On his command, the appliance in his kitchen lit up and hummed to life.

            "Approximately 37 days ago," the machine answered, "for 12 seconds while the nannybot retrieved the baby's bottle." It's task complete the recordbot went dormant again.

            "Well, there you go," my friend shrugged his shoulders.

            "That's not a good thing," I pointed out, "it makes you sound like you're inattentive."

            "You're just afraid of technology," my friend balked.

            "Or maybe you're too reliant on technology," I countered.

            "That's nonsense, right recordbot?" My friend asked his device.

            "I'm sorry, I didn't quite get that," the machine replied automatically.

            "Whatever," my friend walked off, "refrigeratorbot, dispense a beer."

            "Honestly," I shook my head and turned the other direction, meanwhile the nannybot continued to sing in the living room.

            "Sleep little baby," the robot sung, "I have replaced your parents." This comment caught my attention and head snapped in the nannybot's direction. The machine looked right back at me and stated, "you heard me."

            "I was going to make a remark, but the problem is I agree with you," I shrugged. This seemed to please the nannybot, and it went back to its duty. I quickly left the house before it changed its mind.

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When you let technology raise your children, doesn't that make the machines their real parents?

Until next time, Read, Comment and Enjoy

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Enigmatic Fantasies #26 - "Elder" Roommate [#85]

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            I have an elder roommate, they're really lazy and don't help much around the house. No, not an "elderly" roommate, an elder roommate. No I don't mean they're older than, I mean they are by a long shot, but that's not what I meant by elder. Maybe you'll understand if I explain a typical day in our apartment. Just last week I asked them to take out the trash while I did the dishes.

            "Could you for once in your life take out the trash?" I asked them, "I'm knee deep in these dishes." They refused with a grumble and continued to watch the television. "It'll take you like five minutes at most," I affirmed, but they still ignored me. "Think of it as repaying me for spotting you some rent money last month," I stated. Finally, they turned towards me, opened one of their seven mouths and spoke.

            "Foolish creature, I have already repaid your tribute," they spoke in a voice that caused plants to curl up and die. "I have allowed you to live, that is repayment enough. Or do you wish to be torn asunder by my ten thousand hands?" The whole building shuddered as they spoke. I could hear all the neighborhood animals going ballistic outside our window.

            "You say that every week," I countered, "what about the landlord? Do you allow him to live out the kindness in your heart?"

            "Hold thy tongue," their voice echoed from every shadow. "This abode is the only one within these lands that will accept my kind, and that cursed baron overcharges us because of it!"

            "You didn't answer my question," I pointed out, but they just slunk back into the couch to watch their reality show. "You could at least take out the trash with one of your ten thousand hands." They muttered a bit, but finally relented and carried the trash out. They didn't even have to get up from the couch and instead carried it outside with an endless sea of boney hands.

            So yeah that's my problem, Mr. scourge of the world refuses to do any work around the house no matter how trivial. No, I've already tried hiring a priest, they just run the second they see him. So do you have any other suggestions?

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A lazy roommate is a lazy roommate, no matter their shape, size or species. The more you let them rest of their loins the harder it will be the prompt them to do anything. Of course if your roommate happens to be an elder god who speak with a thousand tongues, maybe it's best to just leave them be.

Until next time, Read, Comment and Enjoy

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Eclectic Narratives #7 - Universal Remote [#84]

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            The remote to my T.V. broke last week, so I ordered a new one online. I got a sweet deal on a universal remote, it's supposed to work on "everything at home." It was larger than my hand and weighed almost five pounds, but it only needed two batteries for some reason. It worked really well on my T.V., but it got better when I tested out all the different buttons. I could change channels in varying increments. I could create presets for volumes and even change the channel to stations from other countries. Then I started to experiment with the universal side of the remote.

            I started small by turning the lights on and off. Then I moved up to turning on the sink, opening the fridge and activating the microwave. Every appliance in my home was at my fingertips, but that only for starters. When the dog barked at the window and refused to stop, I idly pointed the remote in his direction and hit the mute button. It was meant to be a joke, but then I noticed the dog had stopped barking, even he looked confused. He ran around in a panic for a bit, but he couldn't generate a sound. I eventually un-muted him, because I didn't care if he was loud now, I had more important things to attend to.

            I played with more settings on the remote, like brightness, contrast, and color. I turned my kitchen black and white, made the dining room into a colorful eyesore and made all the hallways bright and shiny. Then I fiddled with the pause, record, and rewind. After accidentally turning some of the frozen chicken in my fridge into a trio of live chickens I froze them in place with a pause button. Then I used the record function on a few eggs breaking, every time I hit play another broken egg appeared. So I did the sensible thing and recorded myself creating a sandwich and then I created a dozen more with remote.

            Then I found a secret compartment at the bottom of the remote labeled, "do not use." It had functions like delete, restore, slow-motion, screens within screens, and so on. The screens within screens button produced some horrific results that I won't share, and the delete function erased one of my potted plants from existence. Last was the slow-motion function, when I clicked that...everything... went...really...slow...obviously...almost...frame...by...frame... could...barely...move...the... remote...slipped...out...of...my...hand...to...the...floor...needed... to...reach...it...but...it...takes... hours...just...to...move...down...can't...make...it... so...close... no...it...slipped...out...of...my...hands...again...no...I...can't...

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Modern conveniences are not to be mishandled. If they control so much of your life you can very easily cause permanent damage if you don't know what you're doing.

Until next time, Read, Comment and Enjoy

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Enigmatic Fantasies #25 - "Nobody Will Believe You." [#83]

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            "I have finally come of age," I stated, "it is now my chance to save the princess from the dragon's castle." I placed my helmet over my head and picked up my sword, ready for the perils that I would soon face.

            "No you foolish child," the old man barked, "you will only fall into the dragon's fiendish trap."

            "I am no fool, and I am no longer a child," I countered, "I will not fall for the dragon's tricks, no matter how clever he may be."

            "You misunderstand my words," he continued, "the dragon's trap is greater than you think. That whole castle may as well be a bear trap."

            "You speak nonsense old man," I spat, "I will return with the dragon's head in one hand and the princess in the other." I leaped onto my horse and rode off into the horizon, while the old man yelled at me to stop.

            After several days of travel I arrived at the castle and marched inside. In contrast to the old man's warning, there was nary a trap in the whole castle. No pits, no spikes, not even a rigged crossbow. There was only one threat within the castle. The dragon who had nested himself in the center, surrounded by a pitch black pit.

            "Face me you cowardly beast, so I may save the princess post-haste," I roared.

            "Go ahead tiny worm," the beast laughed.

            The battle was fierce, but I won in the end. His flames barely touched me, and his claws could not keep up with me. My mighty sword scarred his scaly flesh and left the horrific creature to limb his last few steps. With a final kick, I sent him right over the edge into the pitch black pit. He roared and screamed until he hit the ground with a thud. The beast was no more, and the princess was mine to save.

            "Five generations of brave soldiers failed against this beast?" I muttered to myself, it appears my predecessors were cowardly or weak, or maybe I was just that good. Regardless, I ran up to the highest tower in the castle, where the princess awaited. I arrived quickly, to the sight of the princess asleep on a shrouded bed. "Dear princess please awaken, I have come to save you."

            I ran to her side, shoved the covers and pillows away and pulled her into my arms. Her face was covered by a veil so I couldn't see her face. I pulled the veil up as I leaned in for my just reward, but I stopped short as I finally noticed what was wrong. The princesses' face, or rather the lack of a real face, besides a crudely drawn pair of eyes and mouth. This wasn't the princess, it was a straw dummy in a dress.

            "What are you waiting for, hero? Don't you want your kiss?" A voice chuckled from outside the window. I turned to see the dragon, completely unharmed as he laughed at my situation.

            "You fiend, what have you done with the princess!" I yelled.          

            "You're looking at her," the dragon pointed at the dummy.

            "But this is no more than a straw dummy," I pointed out.

            "Exactly, but that hasn't stopped idiots like you now has it?" The dragon laughed.

            "But, my whole life I've prepared for this day," I mumbled, "has it been a lie all along?" I dropped the "princess" and looked at my hands in shock.

            "And you want to know the best part?" The dragon leaned his head in through the window and whispered, "nobody will believe you." I stood there, frozen in place, unable to even respond to his words. I didn't move even as he laughed at my misfortune. I didn't move even as he picked me up through the window and deposited me outside the castle. I didn't move even after sundown, I just stayed curled up in a ball as the old man's words echoed through my head.

            "The whole castle," I muttered, "it may as well, no, it is nothing more than a trap."

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Sometimes the truth sounds like complete insanity, even to the one who speaks it. When you finally do learn the truth it can be earth-shattering, but the only thing worse than the revelation is the realization that no one else will believe you until it's too late.

Until next time, Read, Comment and Enjoy

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