Part: I|II|III|IV|V|VI|VII|VIII|IX|X|XI|XII
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Previously on the Beginner’s Guide to Everything: Mary Brown, the most normal girl in the multiverse, was still stranded on the eighth ring of the megacity Mobius, which surrounded the center of the multiverse. Her attempts to call the Beginner’s Guide office to arrange transport home were swiftly thwarted. A sewer lich, awakened by her “friends” Ronnie and Triz, began to wreak havoc in the city and destroyed the only phone booth in the multiverse.
Meanwhile, the sentient gas cloud Jerry was strong-armed by some old, crooked associates. He was forced to reveal the source of the treasures the group had arrived on Mobius with. All eyes are now poised on the MPD8 HQ and its contraband room, where the group’s “treasure” was stored.
~--~
Mary watched in a mixture of horror and confusion as the sewer lich destroyed everything in its rampage, on a beeline for the MPD8 HQ. The officers were numerous, but their equipment was not designed to handle giant undead constructs. In fact, their stun lasers did nothing more than annoy the lich and his army of zombie rats, which were busy swarming and consuming everything in their paths. Except for Mary, of course, only a single rat even bothered to so much as sniff her. Once it got a good whiff, it merely shrugged and moved on.
“How could this get any worse?” Mary exclaimed to no one in particular.
“I don’t know, meteor strike? Alien invasion?” A-2 commented while clinging to a lamppost above. Unlike Mary, the rats did try to attack her. The cyborg had moved to higher ground to keep the swarm from nibbling off all her skin.
The horde of rats passed by like an ocean wave; it was thankfully not endless and eventually trickled to a stop. The swarm was now ahead of the two, consuming the front of the MPD8 HQ. All that was left in their wake was destruction and the skeletons of whatever poor organic creatures didn’t get out of the way in time.
“What a way to make an entrance,” Ronnie emerged from the same hole the lich had, Triz following close behind.
“Yesss, but now he’ll claim the treasssure before usss,” Triz pointed out. The lizard woman hissed with frustration.
“Don’t worry, I have a plan,” Ronnie assured.
“Of course, you’re responsible,” Mary gave Ronnie the stink eye. Still, the pink-haired fugitive failed to register her presence as usual.
“Hey, is that Jerry?” A-2 pointed out, still clinging to the lamppost. Like she said, the Jerry and a pair of two green gas clouds floated above the carnage, also on route to the MPD8 HQ. “Where are they going? That’s not the front door.”
“Forget my dumb plan. They’re obviously going for a back door,” Ronnie exclaimed. “I bet we’ll have a straight shot to where they took all our stuff.”
“How do you know that for sure?” Mary asked, knowing full well Ronnie would ignore her.
“Let’s go,” Ronnie raced off, Triz following close behind.
“Back into the jaws of the beast,” Mary shook her head.
“You know I just remembered,” A-2 jumped down from the lamppost, “Jerry still has the recovery beacon.”
“Goddammit,” Mary sighed and followed after them, with A-2 in tow.
~--~
“So, Jerry,” the green gas cloud with a cigar asked, “which pile is what you guys brought?” They had quickly arrived at the contraband room, using a few secret entrances they had discovered through bribes and coercion. Time was short as the sewer lich was currently barreling through the rest of the building. While he made an excellent distraction, the clouds had concluded it wouldn’t be long before he stumbled across them, or worse, he might be after the same thing.
“Well, that’s the treasure over there,” Jerry gestured, “and that’s the device we used to get her. We found it not that far from the treasure.” He pointed to the one-man dimension breaching device.
“Excellent,” the other green gas cloud chuckled, “hurry trace the coordinates of its last location.”
“Already on it,” the cigar cloud hovered over and began to fiddle with the device.
‘I don’t suppose I should tell them we came from Hazard,’ Jerry thought to himself. ‘Maybe I’ll keep that part to myself until it becomes relevant.’
~--~
Mary, Ronnie, Triz, and A-2 followed the path gas clouds took into the MPD8 HQ. Thankfully for them, the sewer lich’s attack drew all the attention of the officers. Not so thankfully for them; they knew nothing about how to operate or navigate secret entrances, so they wandered around lost for a bit before stumbling across the contraband room. A rumble and screams nearby indicated the lich was closing in. They’d have minutes to grab their belongings and leave.
“It’s just Jerry and the other two clouds in there,” Ronnie peeked into the room, “this will be easy.” She pulled out an MPD8 officer’s stun rifles that she had taken from one of the lich’s victims.
“After you,” Triz armed her own rifle that she acquired through similar means.
“Alright, nobody move,” Ronnie busted into the room with Triz at her side. “The treasure is ours, leave or I’ll fry your gaseous asses.”
“Bahahahhahah,” the two green clouds laughed. “You organics never fail to amuse.”
“What’s so funny,” Ronnie pointed her rifle at the cigar cloud.
“These little trinkets are nothing. We’re after the big wins,” the cigar cloud explained. “Obviously, there’s a source to these riches, and we’ll go straight there with this device. The coordinates are already punched in.” He gestured at the one-man dimension breacher.
“Already?” Mary repeated. “I wonder…” The bland woman thought to herself before stepping aside and out of sight.
“That’s our treasure,” Ronnie fired a stun laser, which passed right through the cloud. “Oh…shit.”
“No, you got to ssshoot them like thisss,” Triz released a barrage of laser fire, which did nothing but scorch the wall behind the gas clouds. “Aw, fuck.”
“Like I said, you never fail to amuse,” the clouds charged Ronnie and Triz. The two women gagged on the cloud toxic forms before falling over, coughing, and wheezing. “And lucky us, someone will be here to take the fall as well, thanks.”
“You reap what you sow,” Mary emerged from her hiding place.
“You guys okay?” A-2 poked at the two half-conscious women.
“Well, Jerry, it’s been fun catching up,” the cigar cloud slipped into the dimension breacher.
“But we’re sorry to say, our time with you is over,” the other cloud jumped in after his companion. “Later, suckers.” The two activated the device and beamed away.
“Damn it,” Ronnie scrambled back to her feet. “They got away, and they’ll take our treasure!”
“Not likely,” Mary commented. “I don’t think they’re going where they think they’re going.”
“Wait, what?” Ronnie, for once, heard Mary.
‘Oh, so when I say something you actually want to hear,’ Mary silently seethed. “While you were shooting them, I snuck up to the device and punched in some random coordinates. Who knows where they are now?”
“Mandy, you’re a genius,” Ronnie exclaimed.
“It’s Mary,” the bland woman replied, knowing it would be in vain.
~--~
The two gas clouds stared at the boundless void before them. The one-man dimension breaching device floated in an empty vacuum. They hesitated to open the door, concerned that even their gaseous forms would not save them from the vast nothing outside. Thoughts of confusion, frustration, and terror cycled through their minds on an endless loop.
“We’ve been had,” the cigar cloud commented.
“Seems so,” the other cloud agreed.
“Well, damn,” they said in unison.
~--~
Ronnie and Triz quickly retrieved their confiscated possessions before eying the big pile of treasure. Alas, the ever-approaching sewer lich, who could be no further than just around the corner, tempered their greed. If they grabbed the riches now, they might not make it back out the secret entrances in time, but if they left all their work in Hazard would be for naught.
“Can you two just forget the stupid treasure? It’s not even gold. It’s monster poop,” Mary exclaimed. Naturally, they ignored her again. “Oh, forget them. Jerry, do you still have the recovery beacon?”
“Oh, yeah, I almost forgot,” Jerry produced the device.
“Wait, the recovery beacon?” Ronnie jumped. “Yes, we can take the treasure.”
“All handsss on deck,” Triz picked up armfuls of the fake gold, and Ronnie did the same.
“Alright, Jerry, take us out of here,” Ronnie shouted.
“Fine, fine,” the sentient gas cloud activated the beacon, which quickly pinged the home Beginner’s Guide office.
“Welcome to the Beginner’s Guide recovery beacon system,” the device began, “your safety as an employee is critical to us and our lawyers. What is the nature of your emergency, and we’ll-?”
“Just take us back already!” Mary shouted.
“You have selected the ‘Extreme Emergency Package,’ please wait while we warm up the teleport,” the beacon replied while playing elevator music.
“How long will that take?” Mary asked.
“Maybe a few seconds, or a minute…or more,” A-2 shrugged. “What’s the rush?” On cue, the sewer lich busted through the wall of the contraband room.
“You two, trying to make a fool of me!” The undead pointed at Triz and Ronnie. The two screamed, Mary cried, Jerry braced himself for the worse, and A-2 remained detached as usual.
“Thank you for waiting. The teleport will start now,” the device cut in. As the lich reached down to ring Triz and Ronnie’s necks, all five members of the group were whisked away by the recovery beacon.
To Be Continued…
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Sometimes, the best way out of a complex workplace disaster is to improvise. With just a little thought and a simple fix, even the most horrible problems can be solved quickly, and if that's not enough you can always fall back on your standard recovery procedures.
Until next time, Read, Comment and Enjoy
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